Your 1 year anniversary

Your anniversary has come and went... it was tough leading up to it... I wasn't sure how to handle it, what to do and I wondered if I was doing it right...but you know what...your MY baby, MY child, and like I do with Emilie...I went with what felt right...it took awhile to figure that out...but with the help of some people I found it :) 

So I made this candle holder for you..

I didn't burn the green one though, I remembered buying a baby powder scented votive and used that :)

I lit not only that candle but also let the LED one I had made in your name run along with a larger candle in the owl candle holder :) I put lots of your trinkets out on a shelf... and let be all about you :)

Then we decorated balloons. I bought 4 figuring Emilie would like one and so if one popped we were covered..but your big sister decided we should decorate and release them all for you... we sent up some purple ones too for your sister to help her celebrate your special day with you. 

Bye Bye Balloons :)

A Year Ago...

A year ago today I knew I would someday soon loose you. When I woke I didn't know it would be the day. You had already gone but it was time for your birth which would be the last day you would be with us.

The journey of this year has had many ups and downs. The drama the took over my life soon after your passing took my time to grieve, along with life in general...and I think now I'm realizing it. The days coming to today have been a struggle to face and deal. I'm there yet...but I'm better than I was a week ago.

As I face today I'm feeling different. I'm feeling much like I have with your sisters anniversaries. I can look back on things and realize that you've never truly left me. You've made your mark on my heart and soul and forever you will be carried by me. Your precious little life no matter how short will always be something I cherish. You have taught me things that only YOU could have, things that I didn't learn with your other siblings, things that are special for you my little Sage. Sage to me is wisdom...and i've become wiser with your appearance. Forever nestled in my hear you will stay.

Due Date

Today is what I had projected to be your due date sweet baby. And I feel ungrateful but I hate that instead of nursing a newborn I'm trying hard not to panic over every little symptom each day in fear I might loose another little babe.

Thinking about you today sweet Sage. Some like to think you never existed, some like to think I was never pregnant with you. We know differently. It's okay I will carry you forever in my heart.

Grief Dare

I'm helping judge a project created by a friend. I met Heidi when I was faced with loosing you sweet Sage and she's been wonderful ever since. I am happy that she is allowing me to be apart of this new project of hers. I also feel inorder to judge i need to do it...so I am.

This is the second's weeks Dare. I had to create in any artsy way I wanted my emotions that I felt during my pregnancy with you... the moment I found I was pregnant. I choose to make this:

It's a sculpt of a woman laying on her side. Swirled with the colors represented in the flowers in the front of her. Here is my explanation of them:

Green -- The color of jealousy (I can never have a happy worry free pregnancy, Kaitlin's loss took that from me, so from the moment I am see I"m pregnant the worry sets in. I'm jealous of those who still have claim to that naivety...)

Dark Purple -- For Kaitlin, because with every pregnancy and everything I do she is apart of that

Yellow -- for Joy. I'm pregnant and most definitely happy about it

Red -- for the love I felt the moment I knew you existed

Black -- for the depressing feelings that always shadow mind worrying if I will bring home you my baby

Light Purple --  For hope, for the pure hope it all works out and we bring a baby home

Pink -- because I did get to bring a baby girl home (Emilie) so she is also always carried with me in my mind and soul.

I laid the figure on a worry stone and shrouded it in white for peace. After trying for so long It was peaceful to think we were pregnant again.

I also attempted which it worked out alright to add my first ultrasound picture to the belly area :)



Remember this was meant to represent how I felt when I first found out I was pregnant not after the ultrasounds or loss. :)