3 Years

Today is the day that Sage's remains passed from me. I birthed her at home. She was an early miscarriage (a blighted ovum to be exact). I had her with me for 10 weeks. I found out at 8 weeks our little bundle wasn't staying with us. 2 weeks passed that felt like months while I waited for my body to go into labor. Sage left me late in the afternoon on July 18th ... 3 years ago.

I often feel lost on how to process her loss. For a many reasons. A blighted ovum isn't considered a  "baby" in medical minds. Yet I was pregnant, an egg did fertilize and attached, just the baby part didn't develop on. It was so early on I'm lost on what her face would have looked like...I'm sure should would have looked like my other three children since they have all looked the same, but there was no face for me gaze upon. Am I silly for naming her? My little one who people have no idea about. I mention the name Sage and few know who she is, what she is to me. I'm lost in ramblings...Lost in thoughts of my little spirited owl who I feel is always causing trouble.

How does one cope with this kind of loss. I'm still learning. I find each year I flounder around trying to figure out what will make my heart happy. I feel as though I'm not supposed to grieve her. Like her loss can't be as deep as Kaitlin's. That she wasn't a "baby", but she was. My heart skipped the beat when I found out I was pregnant. My heart went nuts when we thought it was twins. My world crashed when I went from possibly having two to none. Like with my loss of Kaitlin, I won't say I wish I could go back and change it. If I did I wouldn't have my little boy here now. I wouldn't be who I am. So much has happened because of her that I can't tarnish her being by wishing it away. Sage has made her mark on me, and through me on others.

But oh how I long for a face. How I long for a sweet little nose to gaze upon, cheeks with dimples and sleeping soundly with eyelides closed. How I long to see her tiny fingers, her tiny toes. Would she have been plump like her brother or skinny like her sisters. Would ONE child finally have my toe nails.

I have four very special children. Four that I love with all my heart. Four that I'm happy I share with the man of life. Four that I wish could giggle together, hug and play like I see my two living ones do. Siblings separated by worlds divide, but together always inside my heart.

Two Years ago... (a little late)

Two years ago it was a normal morning with Emilie and I. I had been expecting at some point I would miscarry for weeks, but we didn't know when. So I did all the normal. Did some exercising, drank coffee, etc. Then WHAM it hit me, like a freight train. Cramps upon cramps... this was it.. this would be the true end. No more tiny bit of hope of a wrong medical diagnosis, no more wishing it was all a bad dream, it was here and the nightmare was real.

This song will always remind me of you... love you sweet pea... for my smallest tiniest baby that will live forever in my heart

Your 1 year anniversary

Your anniversary has come and went... it was tough leading up to it... I wasn't sure how to handle it, what to do and I wondered if I was doing it right...but you know what...your MY baby, MY child, and like I do with Emilie...I went with what felt right...it took awhile to figure that out...but with the help of some people I found it :) 

So I made this candle holder for you..

I didn't burn the green one though, I remembered buying a baby powder scented votive and used that :)

I lit not only that candle but also let the LED one I had made in your name run along with a larger candle in the owl candle holder :) I put lots of your trinkets out on a shelf... and let be all about you :)

Then we decorated balloons. I bought 4 figuring Emilie would like one and so if one popped we were covered..but your big sister decided we should decorate and release them all for you... we sent up some purple ones too for your sister to help her celebrate your special day with you. 

Bye Bye Balloons :)

A Year Ago...

A year ago today I knew I would someday soon loose you. When I woke I didn't know it would be the day. You had already gone but it was time for your birth which would be the last day you would be with us.

The journey of this year has had many ups and downs. The drama the took over my life soon after your passing took my time to grieve, along with life in general...and I think now I'm realizing it. The days coming to today have been a struggle to face and deal. I'm there yet...but I'm better than I was a week ago.

As I face today I'm feeling different. I'm feeling much like I have with your sisters anniversaries. I can look back on things and realize that you've never truly left me. You've made your mark on my heart and soul and forever you will be carried by me. Your precious little life no matter how short will always be something I cherish. You have taught me things that only YOU could have, things that I didn't learn with your other siblings, things that are special for you my little Sage. Sage to me is wisdom...and i've become wiser with your appearance. Forever nestled in my hear you will stay.

Due Date

Today is what I had projected to be your due date sweet baby. And I feel ungrateful but I hate that instead of nursing a newborn I'm trying hard not to panic over every little symptom each day in fear I might loose another little babe.

Thinking about you today sweet Sage. Some like to think you never existed, some like to think I was never pregnant with you. We know differently. It's okay I will carry you forever in my heart.

Grief Dare

I'm helping judge a project created by a friend. I met Heidi when I was faced with loosing you sweet Sage and she's been wonderful ever since. I am happy that she is allowing me to be apart of this new project of hers. I also feel inorder to judge i need to do it...so I am.

This is the second's weeks Dare. I had to create in any artsy way I wanted my emotions that I felt during my pregnancy with you... the moment I found I was pregnant. I choose to make this:

It's a sculpt of a woman laying on her side. Swirled with the colors represented in the flowers in the front of her. Here is my explanation of them:

Green -- The color of jealousy (I can never have a happy worry free pregnancy, Kaitlin's loss took that from me, so from the moment I am see I"m pregnant the worry sets in. I'm jealous of those who still have claim to that naivety...)

Dark Purple -- For Kaitlin, because with every pregnancy and everything I do she is apart of that

Yellow -- for Joy. I'm pregnant and most definitely happy about it

Red -- for the love I felt the moment I knew you existed

Black -- for the depressing feelings that always shadow mind worrying if I will bring home you my baby

Light Purple --  For hope, for the pure hope it all works out and we bring a baby home

Pink -- because I did get to bring a baby girl home (Emilie) so she is also always carried with me in my mind and soul.

I laid the figure on a worry stone and shrouded it in white for peace. After trying for so long It was peaceful to think we were pregnant again.

I also attempted which it worked out alright to add my first ultrasound picture to the belly area :)



Remember this was meant to represent how I felt when I first found out I was pregnant not after the ultrasounds or loss. :) 

Thoughts...

I think of you often sweet baby girl. I wish I could have viewed your face just once, touched your hand, felt your warmth. But it wasn't meant to happen, it wasn't meant to be. I bet you look alot like Kaitlin and Emilie, the resemblance they have is astounding so I'm sure you are a mix of them as well. I always see green eyes for you however, so I think you have mommy's hazel ones :) Dark hair and a sweet smile.

Christmas has come and went with out you in my belly. You would be due in a few months, but instead we are trying again to conceive. You had a special place on our tree as well, and mommy found a large "s" for you to go on a little tree for next year. I think we will be retiring Kaitlin's purple tree and setting out a regular one for you and her to share :) So many thoughts for next year. I hope you can forgive me this year for not changing the norm.

I love you sweetie... I know you two are probably giving Uncle Vaughn lots of grief and love :) I'm happy your with him. Who better to care for you than the man I felt was a second father to me.