Its no secret in my life that Kaitlin's death transformed me into who I am today. A whole legacy has been created in her honor and my store if my way of healing and helping others to heal. This loss has left me wondering what to do. I don't know how to feel about it yet let alone how to react to it. It's almost been a month...and I'm stumped still and numb still. I'm glad I went through the loss and didn't get a D&C (it was definitely the right decision for me), because the pain I went through feels like the only reality I have to the fact I had a baby of some sort growing in me. A blighted ovum definitely leaves you in a void. To many they view it as that a baby never grew so how can you feel like you lost one? ... but you did. I don't think it's any different than a person who sees a little on at 6 weeks and finds out they have no heartbeat. Your still left the same way...with no baby. My body thought I was pregnant, I thought I was pregnant, the doc thought I was pregnant, baby or no developed baby the whole thing ends the same. But I have no picture of a baby to mourn, I have little face to look on, nothing. It's the nothing that really tears at your heart. It's hard to process. It makes me feel like this loss will be stuffed away left to get all dusty on a forgotten shelf. So how do I find peace in my heart...I did with Kaitlin...it took awhile but I'm there. I still miss her, love her and wish with all my heart we had her here with us...but i'm at peace with her loss. I feel I do her memory justice...but what do I do with little owl? I think I may try to come up with an appropriate name. I know that I don't know the sex and really was it a baby...but I think it will help me. Owls will still be apart of the legacy he or she will leave...but a name feels very important to me.
The photo is of a new clay piece born from my thoughts today.
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