A Name...Means so much.

Well I wrote yesterday about wanting to name out lil owl...

It didn't take me long...I looked at one gender neutral list....saw Sage and just knew it was perfect. I got hubby's approval and so my littlest angel now has a name :) I needed that. More than I think I even KNEW I needed it. I found peace with Kaitlin's death...this one...not so much, and I know it's still early and very fresh, but something nagged at me about not having a real name for them. Some people can be alright with calling them a little peanut or ladybug, but for me it wasn't enough. So in my heart deep inside it was screaming NAME him or her. Sage as in wise...like an owl...perfect right? It sits well nestled away in my heart that will forever be this little's special space. Fly high sweet pea and give your sister kisses from mommy and let her kiss you too :) 

Reflection

Its no secret in my life that Kaitlin's death transformed me into who I am today. A whole legacy has been created in her honor and my store if my way of healing and helping others to heal. This loss has left me wondering what to do. I don't know how to feel about it yet let alone how to react to it. It's almost been a month...and I'm stumped still and numb still. I'm glad I went through the loss and didn't get a D&C (it was definitely the right decision for me), because the pain I went through feels like the only reality I have to the fact I had a baby of some sort growing in me. A blighted ovum definitely leaves you in a void. To many they view it as that a baby never grew so how can you feel like you lost one? ... but you did. I don't think it's any different than a person who sees a little on at 6 weeks and finds out they have no heartbeat. Your still left the same way...with no baby. My body thought I was pregnant, I thought I was pregnant, the doc thought I was pregnant, baby or no developed baby the whole thing ends the same. But I have no picture of a baby to mourn, I have little face to look on, nothing. It's the nothing that really tears at your heart. It's hard to process. It makes me feel like this loss will be stuffed away left to get all dusty on a forgotten shelf. So how do I find peace in my heart...I did with Kaitlin...it took awhile but I'm there. I still miss her, love her and wish with all my heart we had her here with us...but i'm at peace with her loss. I feel I do her memory justice...but what do I do with little owl? I think I may try to come up with an appropriate name. I know that I don't know the sex and really was it a baby...but I think it will help me. Owls will still be apart of the legacy he or she will leave...but a name feels very important to me.

The photo is of a new clay piece born from my thoughts today.

Purple Owl Outfits!

How could I resist when I saw these on ebay. Newborn sized PURPLE OWL outfits. So now my Katie doll and my Emmie Doll are both clothes to honor their unknown sibling that came and went far too fast.

So I'm still finding that my body is holding me back. So yes I understand I had a miscarriage, but geesh the day of it I did almost 2 miles of walking...two days after it and about 1 mile made my uterus do flips. We did some garage sailing today and the same thing. So I should be taking it easy more. Not to mention the slight fuzzy feeling I get after both of those adventures. But I have a little ones birthday, a store and a toddler, slowing down just never happens.

Emotionally I'm still okay. I think on some level I've filed it away to deal with on another day, like I don't want to fully face it. I'm sure it's some sort of coping mechanism. I don't think I have some righteous badge, but I had hoped after dealing with my loss with Kaitlin that I would some how get a pass...no one does...but I had a small thread that I held on to. It's now been cut. So going on to TTC again is a little terrifying. We can try in two cycles...so I have a bit of a wait and time to deal. All sorts of thoughts start running through your head after things happen like this. I mean what is Kaitlin and Emilie are it, the only two babes I ever get to hold. I would have had a fleet of kids had hubby agreed...so it's a hard pill to swallow that I won't have atleast one more..but they are just thoughts not reality right now...so I need to focus. So i focus my diverting my attention...Facebook is a glorious thing isn't it :)

Goodbye

It's over. Our little Owl left my body therefore this world around 6:50pm.

It started with me exercising around 1:30...shortly after the hour of that I started getting some pretty good cramps/contractions. Then by 4:30 they were bad...like labor bad. Jason commented that I was waddling like a penguin alot like i did when I was in labor with Emilie. At 6:50 I passed the largest clot which I'm assuming was the placenta and almost immediately all the major pain went away. if I had passed something that looked like a sac I would have taken a picture, but I never did. I felt some "leaking" a little before I passed the placenta so I'm thinking it might have burst. I don't think I would have felt had I not been laying down in a quiet room.

So now we move on. With two angel watching over us.

Earlier today I found a few sites that talked about how blighted ovums are often looked at as the person not having a baby at all...so people wonder why the mother's grieve. But in fact there is now actual perfect proof that a baby did not try to to start forming. That all they can say is that the chromosomes were wrong and things didn't progress. Sort of like why a baby's heart might stop beating in the early weeks of pregnancy. So for me this was a little one...a little one I will love forever.

Clots

So i officially can say I've started passing clots. I wasn't sure earlier if it was one but I can say for SURE now. I've also moved on to thicker pads :\ So it's really happening...which I'm afraid of but also eager to be on to recovering...positive thoughts sent my way would be great.

A bit from THE day

So I had planned a really cute way to tell Jason if we were expecting one or two babies. Up until today I haven't had the heart to share it or even remove it from the table where I tossed it when I walked in that day. Well here it is...

My plan was to put the onsies in the bag and he would open them up to find out...now they will be apart of the box I'll tuck away for the baby much wanted that never was :\ And I'm done with cutesie. I won't be doing anything like this in the future, it's too painful to deal with afterwards if things don't go well. 

Not yet

So all i can say is that it hasn't happened yet. I think we are moving closer which is keeping me from giving in and calling for meds to help speed this up. The risk of bleeding out is also keeping me from doing it...but most so that I'm now spotting red with some regularity. So I've been told that a sign things could be happening soon. I was a little relaxed this weekend with how much tea I drank...I'm going to do back to hitting it harder today since yesterday and into today the red has increased. I hope someday this blog can just be a  resource for someone else who has choose this path.

How am I emotionally? So many things right now. I'm pissed that I should be 10 weeks pregnant and not waiting around for a miscarriage and then another two months before TTC again. I have a weird sense of peace about the loss. That I ever wanted it to happen to me...but I'm not unaware that these things don't happen daily. I have a business based on it...so I knew it could happen. Did I get upset at first hell ya, I will always wonder if things had joined differently what this baby would have been like. Not to mention I'm being cheated on a winter baby :| I don't want to put off TTC to make it fit winter months better, but I was so excited about the idea of little hats and booties that I had started testing out patterns. You can't do that so much with a summer babe. So I will miss out on that, but I now have a little owl by my side. And just like how I smile at butterflies as they flutter by I will always have a special place in my heart for the owls of the world.