Saturday, July 18, 2015

3 Years



Today is the day that Sage's remains passed from me. I birthed her at home. She was an early miscarriage (a blighted ovum to be exact). I had her with me for 10 weeks. I found out at 8 weeks our little bundle wasn't staying with us. 2 weeks passed that felt like months while I waited for my body to go into labor. Sage left me late in the afternoon on July 18th ... 3 years ago.

I often feel lost on how to process her loss. For a many reasons. A blighted ovum isn't considered a  "baby" in medical minds. Yet I was pregnant, an egg did fertilize and attached, just the baby part didn't develop on. It was so early on I'm lost on what her face would have looked like...I'm sure should would have looked like my other three children since they have all looked the same, but there was no face for me gaze upon. Am I silly for naming her? My little one who people have no idea about. I mention the name Sage and few know who she is, what she is to me. I'm lost in ramblings...Lost in thoughts of my little spirited owl who I feel is always causing trouble.

How does one cope with this kind of loss. I'm still learning. I find each year I flounder around trying to figure out what will make my heart happy. I feel as though I'm not supposed to grieve her. Like her loss can't be as deep as Kaitlin's. That she wasn't a "baby", but she was. My heart skipped the beat when I found out I was pregnant. My heart went nuts when we thought it was twins. My world crashed when I went from possibly having two to none. Like with my loss of Kaitlin, I won't say I wish I could go back and change it. If I did I wouldn't have my little boy here now. I wouldn't be who I am. So much has happened because of her that I can't tarnish her being by wishing it away. Sage has made her mark on me, and through me on others.

But oh how I long for a face. How I long for a sweet little nose to gaze upon, cheeks with dimples and sleeping soundly with eyelides closed. How I long to see her tiny fingers, her tiny toes. Would she have been plump like her brother or skinny like her sisters. Would ONE child finally have my toe nails.

I have four very special children. Four that I love with all my heart. Four that I'm happy I share with the man of life. Four that I wish could giggle together, hug and play like I see my two living ones do. Siblings separated by worlds divide, but together always inside my heart.