Today is what I had projected to be your due date sweet baby. And I feel ungrateful but I hate that instead of nursing a newborn I'm trying hard not to panic over every little symptom each day in fear I might loose another little babe.
Thinking about you today sweet Sage. Some like to think you never existed, some like to think I was never pregnant with you. We know differently. It's okay I will carry you forever in my heart.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Grief Dare
I'm helping judge a project created by a friend. I met Heidi when I was faced with loosing you sweet Sage and she's been wonderful ever since. I am happy that she is allowing me to be apart of this new project of hers. I also feel inorder to judge i need to do it...so I am.
This is the second's weeks Dare. I had to create in any artsy way I wanted my emotions that I felt during my pregnancy with you... the moment I found I was pregnant. I choose to make this:
It's a sculpt of a woman laying on her side. Swirled with the colors represented in the flowers in the front of her. Here is my explanation of them:
Green -- The color of jealousy (I can never have a happy worry free pregnancy, Kaitlin's loss took that from me, so from the moment I am see I"m pregnant the worry sets in. I'm jealous of those who still have claim to that naivety...)
Dark Purple -- For Kaitlin, because with every pregnancy and everything I do she is apart of that
Yellow -- for Joy. I'm pregnant and most definitely happy about it
Red -- for the love I felt the moment I knew you existed
Black -- for the depressing feelings that always shadow mind worrying if I will bring home you my baby
Light Purple -- For hope, for the pure hope it all works out and we bring a baby home
Pink -- because I did get to bring a baby girl home (Emilie) so she is also always carried with me in my mind and soul.
I laid the figure on a worry stone and shrouded it in white for peace. After trying for so long It was peaceful to think we were pregnant again.
I also attempted which it worked out alright to add my first ultrasound picture to the belly area :)
Remember this was meant to represent how I felt when I first found out I was pregnant not after the ultrasounds or loss. :)
This is the second's weeks Dare. I had to create in any artsy way I wanted my emotions that I felt during my pregnancy with you... the moment I found I was pregnant. I choose to make this:
It's a sculpt of a woman laying on her side. Swirled with the colors represented in the flowers in the front of her. Here is my explanation of them:
Green -- The color of jealousy (I can never have a happy worry free pregnancy, Kaitlin's loss took that from me, so from the moment I am see I"m pregnant the worry sets in. I'm jealous of those who still have claim to that naivety...)
Dark Purple -- For Kaitlin, because with every pregnancy and everything I do she is apart of that
Yellow -- for Joy. I'm pregnant and most definitely happy about it
Red -- for the love I felt the moment I knew you existed
Black -- for the depressing feelings that always shadow mind worrying if I will bring home you my baby
Light Purple -- For hope, for the pure hope it all works out and we bring a baby home
Pink -- because I did get to bring a baby girl home (Emilie) so she is also always carried with me in my mind and soul.
I laid the figure on a worry stone and shrouded it in white for peace. After trying for so long It was peaceful to think we were pregnant again.
I also attempted which it worked out alright to add my first ultrasound picture to the belly area :)
Remember this was meant to represent how I felt when I first found out I was pregnant not after the ultrasounds or loss. :)
Friday, December 28, 2012
Thoughts...
I think of you often sweet baby girl. I wish I could have viewed your face just once, touched your hand, felt your warmth. But it wasn't meant to happen, it wasn't meant to be. I bet you look alot like Kaitlin and Emilie, the resemblance they have is astounding so I'm sure you are a mix of them as well. I always see green eyes for you however, so I think you have mommy's hazel ones :) Dark hair and a sweet smile.
Christmas has come and went with out you in my belly. You would be due in a few months, but instead we are trying again to conceive. You had a special place on our tree as well, and mommy found a large "s" for you to go on a little tree for next year. I think we will be retiring Kaitlin's purple tree and setting out a regular one for you and her to share :) So many thoughts for next year. I hope you can forgive me this year for not changing the norm.
I love you sweetie... I know you two are probably giving Uncle Vaughn lots of grief and love :) I'm happy your with him. Who better to care for you than the man I felt was a second father to me.
Christmas has come and went with out you in my belly. You would be due in a few months, but instead we are trying again to conceive. You had a special place on our tree as well, and mommy found a large "s" for you to go on a little tree for next year. I think we will be retiring Kaitlin's purple tree and setting out a regular one for you and her to share :) So many thoughts for next year. I hope you can forgive me this year for not changing the norm.
I love you sweetie... I know you two are probably giving Uncle Vaughn lots of grief and love :) I'm happy your with him. Who better to care for you than the man I felt was a second father to me.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Healing
Sage in her glorious wisdom taught me that I think I suffer from Postpartum Depression. I spent three months....maybe a little more or less...but three in a free fall of emotions. First I could smile, then I was mad, then I would cry. Things that normally brought me joy I hated, etc. I very much felt like another person entirely. I've started coming back around...and it's taken to about three weeks ago for me to realise that I think I have had this same reaction after both Kaitlin's birth and Emilie's. So Sage was sent here to teach...and now I feel her name is even more perfect.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
I know :)
I've had my name and photos for awhile in with some mediums waiting for some answers, some peace, something. And it finally came when I was needing it the most.
The reading told me your were a girl :) So forever you will be my baby girl Sage :) I also take great comfort in knowing your with Kaitlin and Uncle Vaughn :)
This is the picture I had on the site
The reading told me your were a girl :) So forever you will be my baby girl Sage :) I also take great comfort in knowing your with Kaitlin and Uncle Vaughn :)
This is the picture I had on the site
Jacquelineia: Everytime i look at this pic i get 2 little girls and a older gentleman.. Im sure they are with you.. I get diferculty breathing does this resonate for you at all hunNovember 2 at 12:34am
Tiffanie Herne Well...she was NICU babe...and we took her off the ventilator for her to pass...she spent time trying to breath on her ownNovember 2 at 12:35am
- Tiffanie Herne can you tell me more about the older gentleman? I have an idea...just wondering if it's what I'm thinkingNovember 2 at 12:35a
- Jacquelineia: ok thank you.... the gentleman is showing himself as small bulid and i get the feeling he passed with cancer. as i have yuck feeling in my gutNovember 2 at 12:37am
- Tiffanie Herne hmmm...not what I would have expected...but possibly. We have had many relatives pass with cancer...just none that I would put close to Kaitlin. You said two girls...I did just have another loss... so that could be that..November 2 at 12:39a
- Jacquelineia: he says he crossed over quite some time ago and i get the number 10 have no idea whyNovember 2 at 12:41am
- Tiffanie Herne I don't know about the 10... I will have to ask my mom. Could you be wrong about the sick feeling that it was cancer? But honestly i would love to know more if you have it about the girls
November 2 at 12:43am
- Jacquelineia: well feel yuck in my gut so stomach probs or bell probs is what i feelNovember 2 at 12:44am
- Jacquelineia O'neill definity related to that area hun.November 2 at 12:46am
- Tiffanie Herne So it's making sense now..as I recall the night before the person I think would be there ... he was complaining of stomach issues... so maybe that is how he's trying to tell me it's himNovember 2 at 12:46am
- Jacquelineia Why am i being shown a blanket? special blanket??November 2 at 12:47am
- Tiffanie Herne by one of the girls?November 2 at 12:47am
' - Tiffanie Herne it's very likely it's Kaitlin...November 2 at 12:48am
- Jacquelineia: they showing me a really bright blanketNovember 2 at 12:48am
- Tiffanie Herne I can't place that so much. I have a few blankets from Kaitlin but I guess I wouldn't call them brightNovember 2 at 12:50am
- Jacquelineia im being shown a bright one did u send her off with a blanket or some sort of wrap?? sorry hun dont mean to be rube just sayn what i receiveNovember 2 at 12:51am
- Jacquelineia O'neill rude*November 2 at 12:51am
- Tiffanie Herne your not coming across as rude at all so don't worry about thatNovember 2 at 12:51am
- Tiffanie Herne not unless the hospital did after wards, she was in a sleeper but it was white with a dark pink...so I don't think it was super bright... I mean everything was baby colors..November 2 at 12:52am
- Tiffanie Herne I don't mean to seem rude either... I just don't want to give too much away know what I mean?November 2 at 12:53am
- Jacquelineia: ok... well just feel blankkets is of importance for some reasonNovember 2 at 12:53am
- Tiffanie Herne it could be that the blanket that she was wrapped in while we held her is now forever wrapped around her scrapbook as the cover... or my mom made her a blanketNovember 2 at 12:54am
- Tiffanie Herne both are very cherishedNovember 2 at 12:54am
- Jacquelineia: now your going to laugh who is a painter around you?? or is some one decorating lol have strong smell of paintNovember 2 at 12:54am
- Jacquelineia: and glueNovember 2 at 12:54am
- Tiffanie Herne well I run Miscarriage Blankets and More... so I'm always into paint and glueNovember 2 at 12:55am
- Tiffanie Herne and we are redoing our basement since it floodedNovember 2 at 12:55a
- Jacquelineia: aww ok tyNovember 2 at 12:55am
- Jacquelineia: just feel blankets are of importance sometimes they give things and it not always easy to deciper into wordsNovember 2 at 12:58am
- Tiffanie Herne Well Miscarriage Blankets and More was BORN from Kaitlin's death... and I started with making tiny blankets to represent other angelsNovember 2 at 12:58am
- Tiffanie Herne thats fine I understand it can't be easy... I think she's left me signs I can't always understandNovember 2 at 12:59am
- Jacquelineia: they want me to give you yellow... they say its for warmth .. love and happiness seems things have not been going as well as you would have liked to expect .November 2 at 1:01am
- Tiffanie Herne nope been having a very rough time of it...it's funny this reading landed on tonight actually. So I think they wanted to get to meNovember 2 at 1:02am
- Jacquelineia: Sometimes we get road blocks put in front of us to test us in some way we have to find a way around it and then move on to the next each raod block is a lesson well learned for some reason or another but it all has meaningNovember 2 at 1:03am
- Jacquelineia: At the end of the road you will see things much differently.. but getting thru them will not be easyNovember 2 at 1:04am
- Tiffanie Herne I will make it through i'm sure. I always find a way to over comeNovember 2 at 1:05am
- Jacquelineia: the hurdles on the road will slow you down a little Tiffanie and you will get to a stage where you just want to give up... Please dont ,,there is so much waiting for you once passed thru this phrase.November 2 at 1:07am
- Tiffanie Herne are my angels telling you that?November 2 at 1:08am
- Jacquelineia: by this time next year things will be much clearer and the road ahead will be a smooth one no hurdles or blocksNovember 2 at 1:08am
- Jacquelineia: seems next year is a good one for you Tiffanie Herne.. YOu have spirit helping you and im told you will see for yourself as you tend to be a little jugdemental sometimes.November 2 at 1:11am
- Tiffanie Herne I'm defintly the type that needs to find out for myselfNovember 2 at 1:12a
- Jacquelineia: He is laughing and sayn no she will ponder whats said but wont believe until it lands in her lapNovember 2 at 1:12am
- Tiffanie Herne lolNovember 2 at 1:12am
- Tiffanie Herne yaNovember 2 at 1:13am
- Tiffanie Herne Do you get a sense they are all alright ? I'm glad he's with themNovember 2 at 1:13am
- Jacquelineia: yes they are fine.... haha he just said to me ask her abt a clock or watch tht always seems to be a little fast or a little slow he says.. hes laughing away and says i change the time on her ...November 2 at 1:16am
- Jacquelineia: That is her sign we are around.. this is what he wants you to knowNovember 2 at 1:17am
- Tiffanie Herne so the clock in my car I swear is always different from my house..November 2 at 1:18am
- Tiffanie Herne I know Kaitlin has used the car before right after loosing her things happened in itNovember 2 at 1:19am
- Jacquelineia : he says that is the sign they have been giving you for some time now and he wants you to know this so next time u are aware of whyNovember 2 at 1:20am
- Tiffanie Herne lol so instead of cursing that I'm going ot be late I smile and realize it's a trick lolNovember 2 at 1:21am
- Tiffanie Herne you know I had trouble with my ipod too for a spell...and couldn't figure out why it kept changing...November 2 at 1:22am
- Jacquelineia: no smile and realize that they are with you.. open your mind gather your thoughts and simply say hi .. they hear youNovember 2 at 1:23am
- Tiffanie Herne drat these buggars...sounds like my uncle though And if my kids are like me...well it makes sense November 2 at 1:23am
- Jacquelineia: he is stepping back now Tiffanie Herne.. sorry its not much but ty for letting me share with youNovember 2 at 1:24am
- Tiffanie Herne No thank you Jacquelineia I've been patiently waiting to see if they were alright. I didn't know if my little ones being so little would be able to come through on their own...so it makes sense that he did it for themNovember 2 at 1:25am
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