Purple Owl Outfits!

How could I resist when I saw these on ebay. Newborn sized PURPLE OWL outfits. So now my Katie doll and my Emmie Doll are both clothes to honor their unknown sibling that came and went far too fast.

So I'm still finding that my body is holding me back. So yes I understand I had a miscarriage, but geesh the day of it I did almost 2 miles of walking...two days after it and about 1 mile made my uterus do flips. We did some garage sailing today and the same thing. So I should be taking it easy more. Not to mention the slight fuzzy feeling I get after both of those adventures. But I have a little ones birthday, a store and a toddler, slowing down just never happens.

Emotionally I'm still okay. I think on some level I've filed it away to deal with on another day, like I don't want to fully face it. I'm sure it's some sort of coping mechanism. I don't think I have some righteous badge, but I had hoped after dealing with my loss with Kaitlin that I would some how get a pass...no one does...but I had a small thread that I held on to. It's now been cut. So going on to TTC again is a little terrifying. We can try in two cycles...so I have a bit of a wait and time to deal. All sorts of thoughts start running through your head after things happen like this. I mean what is Kaitlin and Emilie are it, the only two babes I ever get to hold. I would have had a fleet of kids had hubby agreed...so it's a hard pill to swallow that I won't have atleast one more..but they are just thoughts not reality right now...so I need to focus. So i focus my diverting my attention...Facebook is a glorious thing isn't it :)

Goodbye

It's over. Our little Owl left my body therefore this world around 6:50pm.

It started with me exercising around 1:30...shortly after the hour of that I started getting some pretty good cramps/contractions. Then by 4:30 they were bad...like labor bad. Jason commented that I was waddling like a penguin alot like i did when I was in labor with Emilie. At 6:50 I passed the largest clot which I'm assuming was the placenta and almost immediately all the major pain went away. if I had passed something that looked like a sac I would have taken a picture, but I never did. I felt some "leaking" a little before I passed the placenta so I'm thinking it might have burst. I don't think I would have felt had I not been laying down in a quiet room.

So now we move on. With two angel watching over us.

Earlier today I found a few sites that talked about how blighted ovums are often looked at as the person not having a baby at all...so people wonder why the mother's grieve. But in fact there is now actual perfect proof that a baby did not try to to start forming. That all they can say is that the chromosomes were wrong and things didn't progress. Sort of like why a baby's heart might stop beating in the early weeks of pregnancy. So for me this was a little one...a little one I will love forever.

Clots

So i officially can say I've started passing clots. I wasn't sure earlier if it was one but I can say for SURE now. I've also moved on to thicker pads :\ So it's really happening...which I'm afraid of but also eager to be on to recovering...positive thoughts sent my way would be great.

A bit from THE day

So I had planned a really cute way to tell Jason if we were expecting one or two babies. Up until today I haven't had the heart to share it or even remove it from the table where I tossed it when I walked in that day. Well here it is...

My plan was to put the onsies in the bag and he would open them up to find out...now they will be apart of the box I'll tuck away for the baby much wanted that never was :\ And I'm done with cutesie. I won't be doing anything like this in the future, it's too painful to deal with afterwards if things don't go well. 

Not yet

So all i can say is that it hasn't happened yet. I think we are moving closer which is keeping me from giving in and calling for meds to help speed this up. The risk of bleeding out is also keeping me from doing it...but most so that I'm now spotting red with some regularity. So I've been told that a sign things could be happening soon. I was a little relaxed this weekend with how much tea I drank...I'm going to do back to hitting it harder today since yesterday and into today the red has increased. I hope someday this blog can just be a  resource for someone else who has choose this path.

How am I emotionally? So many things right now. I'm pissed that I should be 10 weeks pregnant and not waiting around for a miscarriage and then another two months before TTC again. I have a weird sense of peace about the loss. That I ever wanted it to happen to me...but I'm not unaware that these things don't happen daily. I have a business based on it...so I knew it could happen. Did I get upset at first hell ya, I will always wonder if things had joined differently what this baby would have been like. Not to mention I'm being cheated on a winter baby :| I don't want to put off TTC to make it fit winter months better, but I was so excited about the idea of little hats and booties that I had started testing out patterns. You can't do that so much with a summer babe. So I will miss out on that, but I now have a little owl by my side. And just like how I smile at butterflies as they flutter by I will always have a special place in my heart for the owls of the world.

Feeling Off

So after having days of pain either due to cramping or back muscle problems today was a little reprieve up until tonight that was. So I'm not 100% but I could actually walk and bend, etc...so I felt much better. Then I decided since I had been keep Em locked up I would run to the store for a few items and take her with me. I don't know if it was the fact I went from days of air conditioning to the hot humid outdoors or if I actually had some sort of anxiety attack but about mid way through the trip I started feeling VERY off...and it just for worse. I got hot feeling, light headed and queasy :\ I'm long since home...I don't feel hot anymore but I do still feel very off and drained along with it. cramping has come back...but it's still fairly minor. My tummy upsettedness last for a bit until I thought I had to potty and didn't...then it subsided. I have started getting more red or pink tinges when I wipe...but I think I'm still a little ways a way unfortunately. Maybe luck will have it that it will happen on the weekend...when hubby is home and I don't have to worry so much about just me and a toddler being here. I think the waiting is the hardest part. But I do on some level trust my body will do what it needs to do. I am trying to help it along still with evening primrose oil and red raspberry leaf tea...I've actually become very fond of the taste of the tea and even drink it without creamer in it...so I might con't it..since it's supposed to be great for woman's health :)

Pity Party ~Feel Free to Not Read~

So seriously enough is enough. I go through two days of bad cramps/contractions. To then a day without...but i'm still stuck on the couch...WHY? Cause my lower back is in searing pain...I think I pulled a muscle or something from all the weird ways I was sitting the days prior. So then tonight it's starting to feel a little better...contractions are back...not often but when they do hit they HURT...like take my breathe away hurt. So seriously I'm tired and worn out from all this...my body just needs to smarten up and do what it needs to do! We won't couple this with the fact that Hubby and I both have been sick with colds, my toddler I think is cutting some teeth and the housework is piling up around me...and the orders for my store :| WHINE!!!!! Alright...I will be picking myself up, dusting off and getting back to the thing we like to call life...pity party over.

Tea and Back Pain

So I infused the tea with my coffee this morning. What does that mean? I threw three tea bags into the pot while it brewed :) So I've had lots of raspberry leaf tea AND caffine...both are supposed to help. I've had SEARING lower back pain today. Woke up with it...I also had neck pain and leg pain. I gave in and took some tylenol. It took care of the neck and leg...but hasn't touched the back. Not sure if it's cause it's something else or not. But it hurts...I'm not going to lie. Debating on trying to do some light exercise. Walking around the kitchen is killing me so not sure if I will be able to do any kind of walk it out on the Wii. So we will see.

First Cup

After discussing things with a doula through stillbirthday.com I decided to try some Red Raspberry Leaf Tea to help encourage my contractions to move things along faster. I went out shopping while Jason put Em to bed. So people know Weagmans had it in capsule and tea form. I went with tea since I seem to be taking alot of pills recently and didn't want to just add to it. We will see what tomorrow brings.

Exercise

Not sure if this helped or not...but I decided today to do some Wii Walk it Out...I did two miles, which I don't know how long it was. A few hours after it I'm thinking it might have caused for stronger contractions. I'm also starting to feel some pressure. Still not dilated much but I know for me that can change quickly. So lets hope for tonight...cause contractions are wearing me down some.

Contractions

So I say contractions since they seem way different than just monthly cramps, and I know what contractions are from two previous life births. They are coming in a pattern too. They stopped mid day but are back tonight seemingly a little bit stronger.

I'm sure against medical advice I've also been checking my cervix some and I think I'm starting to efface (I don't know the percentages) but things have definitely shortened some. No holes are bigger however so I'm still ever so slightly dilated.

As much as I would hate to have a night time delivery it would make it the easiest on what to do with Emilie while all it is happening. I hate to traumatize my two year old with seeing mommy in pain.

I do feel pretty good that we should have a delivery by the end of the week...I just hope I'm not getting contractions every day all day until then...

Mucus Plug?

So this might be TMI, but I wanted to document it since I can't FIND an answer anywhere on the internet...so if this helps someone so be it :)

I *think* I might have lost my mucus plug or something similar Friday - Saturday. It definitely seemed like what I would be looking for if I was full term. But I tried searching it in terms of miscarriage and found really nothing helpful. So if someone knows let me know. Do you have one this early on? And is it a sign things are close to happen when you loose it?

I can also say that today I had some rather sharp cramps...like ones that very much reminded me of the ones I had just before they broke my water with Emilie (after the broke my water it was INTENSE)...so I'm taking it as a sign that things are probably getting under way...I'm going to predict by the end of the week perhaps? I'm also slightly dilated...about fingertip...so another indicator I hope. The cramps weren't that close however...just random really...so I don't think it's that close..but who knows.

If I were carrying a baby that had passed I think I would feel differently. Grant it I still very much feel this is a loss...it's something we were so happy about, planning for and preparing for and it was gone when we found out there was no baby at all. We did fertilize an egg...so to me it's a true pregnancy...but again I think if I were carrying an actual little bean that I saw on a ultrasound I wouldn't be in a hurry for it to truly be over...maybe not..but right now I'm seeing this as just holding me up...I know I have to go through the miscarriage and then two cycles before TTC again...and that seems like FOREVER in my head right now. So I want to press through this so I can move on to the next phase....when the miscarriage actual happens and I have a "birth" day for little owl I will probably be upset...but right now I feel like I'm just stuck in a limbo that I need to break out of. 

Waiting

So still waiting for it to happen. But I've made some peace with it. In many ways it's similar to Kaitlin. We knew a few days prior that things were NOT good with her, so had started thinking about the how it would be loose her. So in some small way we were prepared.

This time I've been given much longer to do so. Do I think the actual day it happens I won't have trouble...yes...I do think I will. But in many ways the loss has occurred and I'm on way to healing.

I understand why my body has done this. With Kaitlin we understood things medically too. Does it make it easier, not really...because we all feel like we are immune to these things. But we are not. Genetics and Chromosomes will not always mix correctly causing issues. But it doesn't take the pain of the idea of the baby away. It's hard because in this case there wasn't an actual baby, but like I explained to my husband. My body thought there was...I felt it...I was sick, I was bloated, and I had all sorts of other symptoms...so to me I was pregnant with a baby. Just because the baby didn't form doesn't mean my dreams and images weren't real ideas and emotions. It doesn't mean the baby blanket I crocheted with a smile isn't still sitting on the shelf where I had stuck it. So I mourn that loss, just like I did with Kaitlin. I know it's a bit easier...not that I ever want to write off a miscarriage as EASY...but compared to Kaitlin it is. My thought however is that it might not be easier because of this being "just" a miscarriage, but rather because this is round TWO for me. So I've been there. This isn't a first. So I've learned what helps my heart to heal...and didn't have to learn it by trial and error like the first time. So it's hard to say. In many ways I think if I went through another Kaitlin exactly the same...it would seem easier...but easier due to familiarity not because the loss doesn't hurt as deeply.


So like always people ask what they can do. Nothing really, but recognizing this is a loss, a REAL loss helps. Not to write it off as just something that happens and I should be over it. Just like with Kaitlin there will be no time frame of WHEN I will no longer feel the stabs of missing this little bean. I suspect it will hit more when I TTC again and feel like I should still be pregnant, etc. But like with Kaitlin I will never know when it will hurt more somedays than others. It's something I will just have to try to live through again and at some point I will come out the other end into a new normal. 

More Art

It's nice to have sculpture to turn to. After loosing Katilin I taught myself to how to crochet and loom so I could make items to donate. This time I don't have a set purpose other than to amuse myself or to give my grief and outlet that it needs. So yesterday I played with clay and came up with this: 

The above were my first two attempts at conveying what I feel. The first one I don't like the white color but I do the idea. It's to symbolize the angel with in. So many woman make the same decision I did to carry to your body lets go naturally, but even those who don't spend days normally knowing what they have inside is no longer living...so it's an angel with in you. The second sculpt I wasn't in love how it turned out but a fellow friend said it reminds her of her own pain. She has had three losses, and still doesn't have a living child. She struggles with the though she may never...and to this piece i'm mailing to her. 

In the end I redid the idea of the angel with in in two poses. I like the kneeling one. There is a gal who was on the same path as me to have a little one in February, she is also going through a loss. Today she will be having a D&C. So the laying gal will be shipped to her. 

My work has always brought some sort of peace to me knowing how much it helped others. Most of the time I don't make items for my own angel and now angels. I let others...this will be one of the very few pieces I will be keeping. 

Time Stand Stills

I had forgotten how much time stands still after you deal with a loss. I think time literally slows. It seems what should have been hours, was mere minutes. A day feels like a week. And it doesn't matter how busy you were or how not busy...it's just a slow progression from sun up to sun down. The nights even seem longer, but my body is nicely letting me sleep through them.

It doesn't help that I'm in this perpetual wait. I'm waiting for it to happen. I choose to miscarry on my own and I can fully understand why it seems many don't. I know my reasons why and they are important ones...but it's a waiting game. Much like when you know a relative is going to pass but you need to just wait for their body to give out, much like it was holding Kaitlin. You know the moment you are dreading the most if coming...the final end...but you still secretly tuck away some small speck of hope that really this is all just a bad bad dream you will wake from at the that last moment and everything will be alright. I know my pregnancy is over...my body is screaming that at me every day. I'm back to my normal state of things...so there will be no baby...and I understand that...so I sit and wait in this slowing down of time for when the "birth" will happen and I have to push forward again back into TTC.

Healing Through Art

On the day I found out my little one would not be, I made this...

This is a 20 week hat and bunting that I made from the yarn I had bought to make a blanket for them the day before. This will eventually be put in a memory box to be donated along with an owl beanie and some other things. I just need to find an owl beanie. I plan on turning the rest of the yarn into donated items as well. I've already started on another blanket. I had chosen this variegated yarn figuring that the little one would be born around Valentine's day and that it would be perfect for a boy or a girl. 

What a Day

I still don't even think I am fully processing everything. I'm sure it will really sink in when I get my period again or go through the actual passing of the ovum.

I know people seem to keep telling me this should be easier than Kaitlin. But I don't know if it is. With Kaitlin I had a lock of hair, a foot print, pictures of a baby that was real and mine. This time I have a picture of an empty sac. I'm aware there was no actual baby this time, but there was the idea of a baby, the beginnings of a baby, and our plans for this baby or babies as we had thought. We DID conceive and from the moment two lines showed on that stick I was going to be a mommy to another baby. You can't tell it was in my head when there is something in there that even started to grow. So with the findings of today my heart is crushed again. There will be no reborn doll that looks like this baby, cause I never saw a face. There will be no footprints to hang on the wall or pictures of a baby's face dead or alive. Instead all I have are my own feelings and images that I had felt during our brief time together.

I've learned after loosing Kaitlin people will judge me. So be it. Until you have walked in my shoes don't try to understand something you can't. Don't judge until you can say you've been there and even then everyone's situation is different and we cope differently. I can only hope that I come out stronger on the other side, someone that all my children can be proud of.

OWL

At the start of the pregnancy I had a real strong pull towards pink and blue. No idea why...but it seems to make sense now. I also had a pull towards owls. So with some soul searching I have settled on this fact I lost a baby. It doesn't matter that it never got to form. The fact is an egg was indeed fertilized and with that there was a chance at a baby. Just because our little one didn't form doesn't mean it didn't exist. So like I tell all my wonderful angel moms who seek my counsel go with what makes your heart happy. My heart needed to name this sweet pea and so I settled on owl. It's weird I know. But it's my baby so a little owl they will always be. I also thought it fit with ovum. So as I say hello and goodbye in the same moment I say it to a little one with a name and a special place in my heart.

Our Little Blighted Ovum

Not sure how to process the info yet, but today we found out there Herne Baby 3 is not meant to be. That rather it's a blighted ovum. Which happens early on in that the cells that divide to create the baby didn't exactly work out right and so no baby formed. But we did fertilize an egg and one did implant. The good news it's rare to have it happen again. But I feel sort of torn. Is a blighted ovum a baby? Is it nothing. From the moment I got the positive pregnancy test I thought it was a baby, then the ultrasound showed maybe two babies (it's due to the weird shape the sac took as to why it looked like two), to now the news no baby really formed. So yes it's a loss, but a loss of what?