What a Day

I still don't even think I am fully processing everything. I'm sure it will really sink in when I get my period again or go through the actual passing of the ovum.

I know people seem to keep telling me this should be easier than Kaitlin. But I don't know if it is. With Kaitlin I had a lock of hair, a foot print, pictures of a baby that was real and mine. This time I have a picture of an empty sac. I'm aware there was no actual baby this time, but there was the idea of a baby, the beginnings of a baby, and our plans for this baby or babies as we had thought. We DID conceive and from the moment two lines showed on that stick I was going to be a mommy to another baby. You can't tell it was in my head when there is something in there that even started to grow. So with the findings of today my heart is crushed again. There will be no reborn doll that looks like this baby, cause I never saw a face. There will be no footprints to hang on the wall or pictures of a baby's face dead or alive. Instead all I have are my own feelings and images that I had felt during our brief time together.

I've learned after loosing Kaitlin people will judge me. So be it. Until you have walked in my shoes don't try to understand something you can't. Don't judge until you can say you've been there and even then everyone's situation is different and we cope differently. I can only hope that I come out stronger on the other side, someone that all my children can be proud of.