I had forgotten how much time stands still after you deal with a loss. I think time literally slows. It seems what should have been hours, was mere minutes. A day feels like a week. And it doesn't matter how busy you were or how not busy...it's just a slow progression from sun up to sun down. The nights even seem longer, but my body is nicely letting me sleep through them.
It doesn't help that I'm in this perpetual wait. I'm waiting for it to happen. I choose to miscarry on my own and I can fully understand why it seems many don't. I know my reasons why and they are important ones...but it's a waiting game. Much like when you know a relative is going to pass but you need to just wait for their body to give out, much like it was holding Kaitlin. You know the moment you are dreading the most if coming...the final end...but you still secretly tuck away some small speck of hope that really this is all just a bad bad dream you will wake from at the that last moment and everything will be alright. I know my pregnancy is over...my body is screaming that at me every day. I'm back to my normal state of things...so there will be no baby...and I understand that...so I sit and wait in this slowing down of time for when the "birth" will happen and I have to push forward again back into TTC.
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