New Song

This song by far is the one I've most connected with. It will be my Sage song forever now :)

STILL
music & lyrics: Gerrit Hofsink

I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind

And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true

Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start

Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true

Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you

And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true

Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Music

I won't lie I've been struggling. On some level I feel like I'm not allowed to grieve this loss because it wasn't a baby...or anything like Kaitlin. I didn't get to touch and feel this little other than what was inside me. It's hard. A miscarriage in many ways I'm feeling is harder it than loosing a baby you get to touch and feel. I also know people view it differently. I know people expect it to be done by now and me to be back to normal...but how can I do that? How can I just forget? You can't...so pieces of me have been slowly being eaten away little by little as I try to process just day to day things.

I turned to music after loosing Kaitlin...so I'm going to do it again. I made myself a playlist after loosing her and listened to it daily. Sometimes more than once...it was my way to cope daily...it slowed to every other day and then weekly... and now it's just whenever I feel the need to. It's nice cause its like my time with her...so Sage needs one. There playlist will be folded in together since many of the songs apply to both...but here's a song that I felt could be just for Sage.

Stories

So I used to be able to tell Kaitlin's story with a smile even at times...but now it just makes me cry. Hence why I cried through the little speech I gave at our local walk to remember.

I'm still very raw...loosing Sage is a little different than loosing Kaitlin but I fear it's ripped apart the scar that had started to form...so in many ways I feel back to the beginning...and it's harder this time, with two you wonder even more how your life would be different...was Sage possibly going to be our boy? Or another little girl with blue eyes?

blah... on to another day.

It's been awhile...

This loss is definitely different than the last one.

I still at times struggle with what to feel or how to cope...but it's like a small under current that is there just always wooshing past you threatening to pull you in. With Kaitlin I know I threw myself in more than once...just to resurface and feel it all over again...the numbness the current provides can be a small blessing on those hard to get through days. I wonder how things would be different right now if things had been different. For one last weekend I would have been shopping for (or not going and having mom shop for) the clothes for the sex of the babe...since I would have been 20 weeks...so we would have probably known. Instead I dealt with my period coming which meant no pregnancy this month...having to move on to another month. And then you wonder how long will it take again, will it ever happen again....etc. With Kaitlin I had a baby...so I felt hopeful. With this loss I didn't get that so much. And after what seemed like forever in trying I just feel like the hope is washing away little by little in that under current. Even stone breaks down over time :\