Purple Owl Outfits!

How could I resist when I saw these on ebay. Newborn sized PURPLE OWL outfits. So now my Katie doll and my Emmie Doll are both clothes to honor their unknown sibling that came and went far too fast.

So I'm still finding that my body is holding me back. So yes I understand I had a miscarriage, but geesh the day of it I did almost 2 miles of walking...two days after it and about 1 mile made my uterus do flips. We did some garage sailing today and the same thing. So I should be taking it easy more. Not to mention the slight fuzzy feeling I get after both of those adventures. But I have a little ones birthday, a store and a toddler, slowing down just never happens.

Emotionally I'm still okay. I think on some level I've filed it away to deal with on another day, like I don't want to fully face it. I'm sure it's some sort of coping mechanism. I don't think I have some righteous badge, but I had hoped after dealing with my loss with Kaitlin that I would some how get a pass...no one does...but I had a small thread that I held on to. It's now been cut. So going on to TTC again is a little terrifying. We can try in two cycles...so I have a bit of a wait and time to deal. All sorts of thoughts start running through your head after things happen like this. I mean what is Kaitlin and Emilie are it, the only two babes I ever get to hold. I would have had a fleet of kids had hubby agreed...so it's a hard pill to swallow that I won't have atleast one more..but they are just thoughts not reality right now...so I need to focus. So i focus my diverting my attention...Facebook is a glorious thing isn't it :)

Goodbye

It's over. Our little Owl left my body therefore this world around 6:50pm.

It started with me exercising around 1:30...shortly after the hour of that I started getting some pretty good cramps/contractions. Then by 4:30 they were bad...like labor bad. Jason commented that I was waddling like a penguin alot like i did when I was in labor with Emilie. At 6:50 I passed the largest clot which I'm assuming was the placenta and almost immediately all the major pain went away. if I had passed something that looked like a sac I would have taken a picture, but I never did. I felt some "leaking" a little before I passed the placenta so I'm thinking it might have burst. I don't think I would have felt had I not been laying down in a quiet room.

So now we move on. With two angel watching over us.

Earlier today I found a few sites that talked about how blighted ovums are often looked at as the person not having a baby at all...so people wonder why the mother's grieve. But in fact there is now actual perfect proof that a baby did not try to to start forming. That all they can say is that the chromosomes were wrong and things didn't progress. Sort of like why a baby's heart might stop beating in the early weeks of pregnancy. So for me this was a little one...a little one I will love forever.

Clots

So i officially can say I've started passing clots. I wasn't sure earlier if it was one but I can say for SURE now. I've also moved on to thicker pads :\ So it's really happening...which I'm afraid of but also eager to be on to recovering...positive thoughts sent my way would be great.

A bit from THE day

So I had planned a really cute way to tell Jason if we were expecting one or two babies. Up until today I haven't had the heart to share it or even remove it from the table where I tossed it when I walked in that day. Well here it is...

My plan was to put the onsies in the bag and he would open them up to find out...now they will be apart of the box I'll tuck away for the baby much wanted that never was :\ And I'm done with cutesie. I won't be doing anything like this in the future, it's too painful to deal with afterwards if things don't go well. 

Not yet

So all i can say is that it hasn't happened yet. I think we are moving closer which is keeping me from giving in and calling for meds to help speed this up. The risk of bleeding out is also keeping me from doing it...but most so that I'm now spotting red with some regularity. So I've been told that a sign things could be happening soon. I was a little relaxed this weekend with how much tea I drank...I'm going to do back to hitting it harder today since yesterday and into today the red has increased. I hope someday this blog can just be a  resource for someone else who has choose this path.

How am I emotionally? So many things right now. I'm pissed that I should be 10 weeks pregnant and not waiting around for a miscarriage and then another two months before TTC again. I have a weird sense of peace about the loss. That I ever wanted it to happen to me...but I'm not unaware that these things don't happen daily. I have a business based on it...so I knew it could happen. Did I get upset at first hell ya, I will always wonder if things had joined differently what this baby would have been like. Not to mention I'm being cheated on a winter baby :| I don't want to put off TTC to make it fit winter months better, but I was so excited about the idea of little hats and booties that I had started testing out patterns. You can't do that so much with a summer babe. So I will miss out on that, but I now have a little owl by my side. And just like how I smile at butterflies as they flutter by I will always have a special place in my heart for the owls of the world.

Feeling Off

So after having days of pain either due to cramping or back muscle problems today was a little reprieve up until tonight that was. So I'm not 100% but I could actually walk and bend, etc...so I felt much better. Then I decided since I had been keep Em locked up I would run to the store for a few items and take her with me. I don't know if it was the fact I went from days of air conditioning to the hot humid outdoors or if I actually had some sort of anxiety attack but about mid way through the trip I started feeling VERY off...and it just for worse. I got hot feeling, light headed and queasy :\ I'm long since home...I don't feel hot anymore but I do still feel very off and drained along with it. cramping has come back...but it's still fairly minor. My tummy upsettedness last for a bit until I thought I had to potty and didn't...then it subsided. I have started getting more red or pink tinges when I wipe...but I think I'm still a little ways a way unfortunately. Maybe luck will have it that it will happen on the weekend...when hubby is home and I don't have to worry so much about just me and a toddler being here. I think the waiting is the hardest part. But I do on some level trust my body will do what it needs to do. I am trying to help it along still with evening primrose oil and red raspberry leaf tea...I've actually become very fond of the taste of the tea and even drink it without creamer in it...so I might con't it..since it's supposed to be great for woman's health :)

Pity Party ~Feel Free to Not Read~

So seriously enough is enough. I go through two days of bad cramps/contractions. To then a day without...but i'm still stuck on the couch...WHY? Cause my lower back is in searing pain...I think I pulled a muscle or something from all the weird ways I was sitting the days prior. So then tonight it's starting to feel a little better...contractions are back...not often but when they do hit they HURT...like take my breathe away hurt. So seriously I'm tired and worn out from all this...my body just needs to smarten up and do what it needs to do! We won't couple this with the fact that Hubby and I both have been sick with colds, my toddler I think is cutting some teeth and the housework is piling up around me...and the orders for my store :| WHINE!!!!! Alright...I will be picking myself up, dusting off and getting back to the thing we like to call life...pity party over.