New Song

This song by far is the one I've most connected with. It will be my Sage song forever now :)

STILL
music & lyrics: Gerrit Hofsink

I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind

And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true

Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start

Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true

Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you

And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true

Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Music

I won't lie I've been struggling. On some level I feel like I'm not allowed to grieve this loss because it wasn't a baby...or anything like Kaitlin. I didn't get to touch and feel this little other than what was inside me. It's hard. A miscarriage in many ways I'm feeling is harder it than loosing a baby you get to touch and feel. I also know people view it differently. I know people expect it to be done by now and me to be back to normal...but how can I do that? How can I just forget? You can't...so pieces of me have been slowly being eaten away little by little as I try to process just day to day things.

I turned to music after loosing Kaitlin...so I'm going to do it again. I made myself a playlist after loosing her and listened to it daily. Sometimes more than once...it was my way to cope daily...it slowed to every other day and then weekly... and now it's just whenever I feel the need to. It's nice cause its like my time with her...so Sage needs one. There playlist will be folded in together since many of the songs apply to both...but here's a song that I felt could be just for Sage.

Stories

So I used to be able to tell Kaitlin's story with a smile even at times...but now it just makes me cry. Hence why I cried through the little speech I gave at our local walk to remember.

I'm still very raw...loosing Sage is a little different than loosing Kaitlin but I fear it's ripped apart the scar that had started to form...so in many ways I feel back to the beginning...and it's harder this time, with two you wonder even more how your life would be different...was Sage possibly going to be our boy? Or another little girl with blue eyes?

blah... on to another day.

It's been awhile...

This loss is definitely different than the last one.

I still at times struggle with what to feel or how to cope...but it's like a small under current that is there just always wooshing past you threatening to pull you in. With Kaitlin I know I threw myself in more than once...just to resurface and feel it all over again...the numbness the current provides can be a small blessing on those hard to get through days. I wonder how things would be different right now if things had been different. For one last weekend I would have been shopping for (or not going and having mom shop for) the clothes for the sex of the babe...since I would have been 20 weeks...so we would have probably known. Instead I dealt with my period coming which meant no pregnancy this month...having to move on to another month. And then you wonder how long will it take again, will it ever happen again....etc. With Kaitlin I had a baby...so I felt hopeful. With this loss I didn't get that so much. And after what seemed like forever in trying I just feel like the hope is washing away little by little in that under current. Even stone breaks down over time :\

A Name...Means so much.

Well I wrote yesterday about wanting to name out lil owl...

It didn't take me long...I looked at one gender neutral list....saw Sage and just knew it was perfect. I got hubby's approval and so my littlest angel now has a name :) I needed that. More than I think I even KNEW I needed it. I found peace with Kaitlin's death...this one...not so much, and I know it's still early and very fresh, but something nagged at me about not having a real name for them. Some people can be alright with calling them a little peanut or ladybug, but for me it wasn't enough. So in my heart deep inside it was screaming NAME him or her. Sage as in wise...like an owl...perfect right? It sits well nestled away in my heart that will forever be this little's special space. Fly high sweet pea and give your sister kisses from mommy and let her kiss you too :) 

Reflection

Its no secret in my life that Kaitlin's death transformed me into who I am today. A whole legacy has been created in her honor and my store if my way of healing and helping others to heal. This loss has left me wondering what to do. I don't know how to feel about it yet let alone how to react to it. It's almost been a month...and I'm stumped still and numb still. I'm glad I went through the loss and didn't get a D&C (it was definitely the right decision for me), because the pain I went through feels like the only reality I have to the fact I had a baby of some sort growing in me. A blighted ovum definitely leaves you in a void. To many they view it as that a baby never grew so how can you feel like you lost one? ... but you did. I don't think it's any different than a person who sees a little on at 6 weeks and finds out they have no heartbeat. Your still left the same way...with no baby. My body thought I was pregnant, I thought I was pregnant, the doc thought I was pregnant, baby or no developed baby the whole thing ends the same. But I have no picture of a baby to mourn, I have little face to look on, nothing. It's the nothing that really tears at your heart. It's hard to process. It makes me feel like this loss will be stuffed away left to get all dusty on a forgotten shelf. So how do I find peace in my heart...I did with Kaitlin...it took awhile but I'm there. I still miss her, love her and wish with all my heart we had her here with us...but i'm at peace with her loss. I feel I do her memory justice...but what do I do with little owl? I think I may try to come up with an appropriate name. I know that I don't know the sex and really was it a baby...but I think it will help me. Owls will still be apart of the legacy he or she will leave...but a name feels very important to me.

The photo is of a new clay piece born from my thoughts today.

Purple Owl Outfits!

How could I resist when I saw these on ebay. Newborn sized PURPLE OWL outfits. So now my Katie doll and my Emmie Doll are both clothes to honor their unknown sibling that came and went far too fast.

So I'm still finding that my body is holding me back. So yes I understand I had a miscarriage, but geesh the day of it I did almost 2 miles of walking...two days after it and about 1 mile made my uterus do flips. We did some garage sailing today and the same thing. So I should be taking it easy more. Not to mention the slight fuzzy feeling I get after both of those adventures. But I have a little ones birthday, a store and a toddler, slowing down just never happens.

Emotionally I'm still okay. I think on some level I've filed it away to deal with on another day, like I don't want to fully face it. I'm sure it's some sort of coping mechanism. I don't think I have some righteous badge, but I had hoped after dealing with my loss with Kaitlin that I would some how get a pass...no one does...but I had a small thread that I held on to. It's now been cut. So going on to TTC again is a little terrifying. We can try in two cycles...so I have a bit of a wait and time to deal. All sorts of thoughts start running through your head after things happen like this. I mean what is Kaitlin and Emilie are it, the only two babes I ever get to hold. I would have had a fleet of kids had hubby agreed...so it's a hard pill to swallow that I won't have atleast one more..but they are just thoughts not reality right now...so I need to focus. So i focus my diverting my attention...Facebook is a glorious thing isn't it :)