Waiting

So still waiting for it to happen. But I've made some peace with it. In many ways it's similar to Kaitlin. We knew a few days prior that things were NOT good with her, so had started thinking about the how it would be loose her. So in some small way we were prepared.

This time I've been given much longer to do so. Do I think the actual day it happens I won't have trouble...yes...I do think I will. But in many ways the loss has occurred and I'm on way to healing.

I understand why my body has done this. With Kaitlin we understood things medically too. Does it make it easier, not really...because we all feel like we are immune to these things. But we are not. Genetics and Chromosomes will not always mix correctly causing issues. But it doesn't take the pain of the idea of the baby away. It's hard because in this case there wasn't an actual baby, but like I explained to my husband. My body thought there was...I felt it...I was sick, I was bloated, and I had all sorts of other symptoms...so to me I was pregnant with a baby. Just because the baby didn't form doesn't mean my dreams and images weren't real ideas and emotions. It doesn't mean the baby blanket I crocheted with a smile isn't still sitting on the shelf where I had stuck it. So I mourn that loss, just like I did with Kaitlin. I know it's a bit easier...not that I ever want to write off a miscarriage as EASY...but compared to Kaitlin it is. My thought however is that it might not be easier because of this being "just" a miscarriage, but rather because this is round TWO for me. So I've been there. This isn't a first. So I've learned what helps my heart to heal...and didn't have to learn it by trial and error like the first time. So it's hard to say. In many ways I think if I went through another Kaitlin exactly the same...it would seem easier...but easier due to familiarity not because the loss doesn't hurt as deeply.


So like always people ask what they can do. Nothing really, but recognizing this is a loss, a REAL loss helps. Not to write it off as just something that happens and I should be over it. Just like with Kaitlin there will be no time frame of WHEN I will no longer feel the stabs of missing this little bean. I suspect it will hit more when I TTC again and feel like I should still be pregnant, etc. But like with Kaitlin I will never know when it will hurt more somedays than others. It's something I will just have to try to live through again and at some point I will come out the other end into a new normal.